I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My penis needs a shock collar
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
