Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
