I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
