it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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