I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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