I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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