Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
