thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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