headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
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Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
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My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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