cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
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All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
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I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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