Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
