I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
