I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
