That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
