woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
