just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
