cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
he laminated a picture of his dick.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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