also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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