My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
It's just like the Real World with babies
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
