my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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