was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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