My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
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