I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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