o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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