Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
