Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
