My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
