I want to make a zoo with you.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
