i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
