Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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