i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
