i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
