tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Randomize
