They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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