i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
