I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
