I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
