I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Randomize
