I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
