Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
