i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
