Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
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