Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
