Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
