is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
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The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
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Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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