Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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