Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
