I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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