I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
