woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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