my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
