Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
