Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
