I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
