Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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