The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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