I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
it glows. i had to have it.
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He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
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I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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