I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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